Let down and hanging around

It's been a little while since I took time to post here. The let down of our seasons' end usually has me curling up on the couch with a book. This year I'm learning how to play the guitar and I think I've crossed some threshold because it doesn't hurt to play anymore! YAY!

I did just get done reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. A very nice read indeed. (Thank you Debbie!) And I'll be passing it along. I like the idea of this book! It was given to me by a friend. The bookmark is a bandaid, representing how your life can be healed right along with the author. Then you send it along to someone else you feel would enjoy the book. Right up my alley, as my mom used to say.

Speaking of mom, this month's emotional challenge came up on me unexpectedly. I received an e-mail from my mother's best friend, Bonnie, saying she and her husband would be in the area, could we visit for a while? Wow.. I didn't realize how much spending three hours chatting with them (not even about mom) would stir up an emotional whirlwind I'm still not completely over. It just reminded me how much I miss my mom, and what a great person she was... how funny, how smart.. hell.. she was my mom. Enough said.

So I sit here plotting my winter and filling my days with things I want to do. It's a nice change from the hustle and bustle of our spring/summer season with all of our customers milling about. I miss most of them already, lol, but I'm also basking in my oneness. Recharging. Pressing the reset button.

I've managed to maintain my weightloss -- which, by the way, is no easy task when you're occupational hazard is the most delicious ice cream in the world. Starbucks Ice Coffees ended up being my summer indulgence. Mmmm.. if it were not so cold, I'd like one now!

I will be embarking on a great challenge this winter as well. I'm starting another blog/website: fixtheinside.com It will be dedicated to helping people stop the yo-yo dieting cycle by finding out why they eat in the first place. Which is what I've done in my life.

Now, I know I'm not all the way there yet.. but dammit, I've lost 50 pounds and kept it off. But better than that.. I can see keeping it off (and losing more) just because I continue to work on the inside.

That doesn't mean that I don't slip up.. a life forever skipping yummy treats like ice coffees and pizza does not seem very fun to me. But, I've made my peace with food, and this will be how I share it with the world.. in the hopes others may do the same.

I'll keep posting here, occasionally. It's an online diary of sorts.
Happy Winter! (we're supposed to get a foot of snow today -- woot!)

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eyes..

So don't you ever wish you were special?

but you feel like a creep.
People are always reminding you that you're a creep.

That you don't belong.

What if you don't care if it hurts?
That you want to have control,
a perfect body, a perfect soul?

That someone just notices when you're not around..
do you really have to be that special?

no.. you just have to allow it..

thank goodness!

I can feel their blue hands touching me..

I haven't been able to post.. because I can't say out loud what's been going on.

Someday, perhaps.

Suffice to say the following:

Creation > Absorption

Things have to come out.. not just go in..

ps... Immerse your soul in LOVE!

be a world child, form a circle, before we all...

go under..


Fade Out.. again..........

Gosh it's been a while. We've had 2 radiohead concerts thrown in the mix and gosh.. life is in turmoil!

My daughter is headed off to college in less than a week. My only child. Needless to say it's just now hitting me, we haven't even packed, and people are jostling for position with regard to her time.

BUT! I walked today and my weight is hovering over 190 which is good.. I'm about to break that plateau that's been pestering me all summer. I figure I can start working out more in the next couple weeks and we won't be so busy.. but that worries me too.
Idle hands, you know!

So I'm planning and plotting.. what I love to do best.. lol.
As they say.. people plan.. god laughs..
not that I believe in "god" per se
It still applies, I think..

Anyway.. lots of family this weekend, glad to see them, glad to see them go, as it were.

So.. on the quiet front.. I've been thinking a lot about what's presented itself in my life and why it's there. I mean.. if it's there, we've created it... right? I feel really strongly that I need to be creating more than I am.. thus the writing in the blog again. I've also seriously considered taking different art classes to discover what it is that I should actually be expressing.

I'm looking forward to having more time to pursue things like guitar and piano.. but I'm loathing the idea of no money coming in. We shall see. GO TEAM!

;-)

I have dislodged my depression..

That's what it boils down to.

People keep telling me how great I look.. "What are you doing?" "Where did you go?" I've finally hit the 40 lb mark in my weight loss. I keep walking and exercising.. but I think the change is more internal than external.

I think I'm exuding a happiness I didn't have before. A happy-go-lucky attitude.. I've changed leaps and bounds from last year this time and people can tell.

The biggest thing I've done... Well.. I now feel worthy. How important is that? Think about it. Do you feel worthy? In which areas of your life do you not feel worthy?

I know that I get a physical feeling when I'm feeling unworthy.. I won't even try to describe it. But it's definitely a physical feeling.

How often do you let external factors decide how you feel? When people ask how your day is going, what do you say? I say, "AMAZING!". And it's true. Now that's not to say there are not daily bumps in the road to challenge my happiness. I work in customer service -- lol... enough said!

But. .if I'm living proof of anything.. it's that once you decide that YOU are the ONLY person who decides how you feel.. you will be.

Once you make a decision to be happy.. you will be.
Once you decide that you're amazing.. you will be (well.. you already are.. but your own perception of your self-worth is blocking your amazing-ness!)

Stop.. do an inventory of how you feel about yourself.
Look at your life.. do you see where those negative things are coming from?
Do you say things like: "If only ______, then I'd be happy."
That's bullshit -- be happy now.. and then _______ will come to you. You can't attract what you want if you don't feel worthy of having it.

Gosh.. it's so easy once you believe and udnerstand that you have all the power in the world over your own happiness!

Immerse Your Soul in Love

The mind is an amazing thing. You can think, feel and taste things, but you can also think, feel and taste things you've already experienced just by remembering.

I had an experience during my meditation today that was quite unsettling. As a child, I had a recurring nightmare that was indescribable. No matter how I tried to explain it, the dream was about feelings and textures.. not about things you could easily relate to another person.

During my meditation today, I re-experienced a portion of this dream. It was unsettling on several levels.

I was shocked at the sharpness of the memory I hold of that feeling. If I tried to describe it, it would be oral in nature. It is a feeling on my tongue, and a metallic taste, and a sensation of growing, or expanding. Today in meditation, I allowed it to go. I've always fought it in the past. Instead of feeling fear at the sensation, I let myself feel it totally, curiously, somewhat with detachment. I feel it now as I write. Quite curious.

The second thing I found unsettling, was the way it reminded me of something I'd seen in the past, but that I can't pinpoint. It was definitely an oral "blowing up" of the physical body. Getting fatter and fatter, until I was just a large balloon-caricature of a person, and yet still holding on to that sensation in my mouth and lips that kept the process going. It's not a violent sensation, actually, it's more of a calm acceptance kind of sensation.

I'm not quite sure what to make of it all.
I've been on a "plateau" for a while with my weight loss. Stuck at a 35 pound loss with at least 50 more to go. People keep telling me I look great.. and that I look thinner.. but I've been controlling the stress in my life with food and drink.

Perhaps this dream is an attempt of my inner wisdom to break free of this cycle of filling up when I am afraid or fearful, when letting go is the proper course of action.

The second part of the childhood dream that I didn't experience today.. was a bird on a wire. The bird represented the feelings of chaos -- loud, unorganized noises accompanied the bird. And in the childhood dream, it would focus on one, then on the other.. the chaos, and then the calmness.

I would always awake in tears as the two extremes would battle in my subconscious.
Hmm.. I think I've just learned that the way I calm the chaos in my life is through oral satisfaction and fulfillment. Maybe the tastes and sensations are those I felt early in life, as I nursed on a bottle.. sometimes for comfort.

My family was a loving family, so I was certainly not neglected.. in fact I was a thin, sickly child. And I would pass out at the slightest emotional or physical trauma. My mother used to refer to me as "the poster child for send-this-kid-to-camp". I had allergies and was always sick (who knew it was the dogs and cats!?)

Funny how things.. little tiny decisions we make as children can stay with you quite a long time. It's good that as adults, we can see those decisions as what they are, and change longstanding patterns of belief.

Don't look in the mirror at the face you don't recognize

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I felt my way through it.
I look in the mirror and even though I'm changing and losing weight. Sometimes I don't recognize the person that I see. The outward reflection I see is not what I feel on the inside.

If I have to pick a point of "enlightenment" I'd choose that point at which what you feel on the inside, and what you see in the mirror are accurate reflections of each other. I remember reading a book as a teen called Swan Song. It was about the after effects of nuclear war. One of the main characters, a girl.. I can't remember her name.. She was the most pure of heart in the story.. one with the gift of the renewal of life. She made the crops grow when there was no hope of them ever growing again. And throughout the story of her wonderful works, a keloid/growth overtakes her face and continues to grow until it encompasses her entire head. I guess I'm spoiling this one for you aren't I..

Anyway.. without giving too much away. What if our faces reflect what lies in our hearts.. or do they already? What if our bodies are outward reflections of our souls? Go look in the mirror at the face you don't recognize. And look hard at what you see.

I recommend Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life to just about everyone who will listen.

Things change in your life when you look to the results you are getting and make the decision to take action doing those things that will bring you what you truly want.
Don't waste time deciding what you truly want. What do you want today? To feel better? To be happier? To spend more time with your children/husband/parents/friends? To take the time to do something you love.. like reading or going for a walk.

Stop. What are you doing? And why are you doing it?

heaven or hell.. whatever they call it..

the place of oblivion
after the fall.



Look into your heart.
Is there guilt?
Shame?
Why?
Nothing you can think, wish or dream is bad.
Money is not the root of all evil.
Money is just another exchange of energy.

Remove yourself from the judgment of others
Nothing touches me, man.

Be yourself.
The truly courageous have mastered the art of expression.

Express yourself.
Fill the void.
Contribute.
It feels good.
someone will get it.
Really.. they really will.. just try.
Go on.

Please?

I gotta remember..

Don't fight it
Not matter how much
I don't like it..

Moving to another artist (gasp!) this is from Portishead.

Lovin' them.
Of course I'm lovin them because of Radiohead.

Anyway.. No matter how much I don't like it. I can't fight it.
Winds of change.
Are adrift
hard to stay objective..
but that's my job.
I hope to be the witness.
detached
no longer clinging on to bottles
you roll me out and then you cut the string.

Can a band save your life?

I think so.

Anything can change your life.
A kind word, a quote that inspires, a book, a television commercial jingle.

You hear people say, "One day I just woke up."

But something provoked them, for certain. It may have been a dream.. a sleeping, cognitive decision.. but more likely it was a trigger. Something happened.. they heard or saw something that they connected with.

That connection caused the change.

That's what Radiohead did to me.
I don't know why it was Radiohead. I mean, before my current obsession, I was listening to Eddie Vedder's soundtrack to "Into the Wild".. Quite powerful stuff..
Maybe that was the trigger.

And yet.. 8-9 months later, I'm still listening to Radiohead. Every day.
It's not getting old. Sure, they have quite a catalog.. I have almost 700 Radiohead songs on my ipod.

The connection is it. I connect with the lyrics, the rhythm, the flow of the songs.

To what extent?
Well, I feel I've changed everything in my life.
I've learned to live the life I want.
To become the person I've always wanted to be.. but have always been.
I've lost weight.
I'm happy.
Happy.
So very happy.
Thank you radiohead!

We are standing on the edge..

That's what it feels like right now.
Standing on the edge. All the time.. Every day.
Walking..
Feeling..
Listening..
Talking..
A constant state of anticipation.
It's hard to explain.

I've lost 30 pounds officially. Everyone says I'm looking good, but I saw the pictures we took last week and yikes. I hate pictures. I don't feel that I look like that. That's good though.. Cuz however I feel will eventually be expressed in my physical being... And I've been feeling SO GOOD!

Not that I don't have issues, things that piss me off, things that make me sad, angry, you know all those things.. But they never stay for long and I'm happy again.
It's very liberating to realize that you don't have to suffer. Things may not always be rosy in your physical world.. but your attitude and attention can be on those things that make you feel good.

Everyone asks what I'm doing.. and its hard to explain.. cuz I'm not really doing anything. I walk every day that I can and do aerobics in between if it's raining or too cold. But it's been walking most of this week due to our little vacation and the weather here has been good.

Eating.. I've been eating pretty much what I want, but no wheat and no sugar. I also watch the carbs.. I'm not eating potatoes. Rice every now and again. I'm also not restricting olive oil, or olives, etc.

Tomorrow, I'm tightening the reigns a bit and going raw again for a few days. See if I can do a whole week -- jump start things again.
I'll keep ya posted!

jigsaw falling into place

Jeesh.. it's been a while.

I've been busy.. doing this, doing that.. getting things ready to start my real job for the summer.

Meditation has been a challenge lately. It seems that I don't have the patience to stay till the end lately. No real idea why.. but I guess I'll stick it out for a while.

Still exercising, still losing weight. Not as harsh with myself with the raw foods, and I'm not losing as fast. But I know I'm in a place where the fat no longer belongs to me. It's just a matter of time till it's all gone.

So I'm being kind with myself. .. not really denying myself anything that I truly want. Not that I'm binging on chocolate cake.. I'm not. My rules have stayed: no wheat/processed foods unless there's absolutely nothing else to eat. (But I'm getting better at not putting myself in that situation.) I've been a little too lenient about the meat. Not that I'm eating it more than once or twice a week.. but it's tasting good and I know it's a weakness.

I keep losing a pound or two a week.. and I can still have a beer or cocktail if I want. I'm shrinking because of the exercise. So it's all good! I went short's shopping today.. but I didn't find anything.. except that I'm down another size and a half. Woo Hoo!

As things are getting busy, I'm more distracted from my "studies" so to speak. So I'm trying to make sure that everything stays the same and that I make time for 1) meditation and 2) exercise every day.

I've been way lax in my writing.. which needs to change.. thus this post.. lol

But I'll get better.. my liftyourlife.blogspot.com gets updated more than this one.. if you care.

ttyl!

Be constructive..

There is so much going on.

I know the Holosync meditation comes with a "managing change" program. So, on the shelf it sits.. but this stuff is really changing things.

I don't know if the rest of my world sees the monumental changes. I think they do. There have been conversations this past week -- people are starting to say things to me that I never thought they would say. It's scary. Kind of like what you know will happen is actually unfolding. Houses built from string and rubber bands rarely withstand strong winds.

My new eating habits seem to have stuck. I exercise almost every day still. Though I've been a little lenient with myself, I have maintained my 20 lb weight loss so far. I do believe, however, that scales should be eliminated from the world. I bought some new clothes -- a couple sizes smaller than normal.. and am feeling amazing!

Happy = yes.

Things are starting to pick up. I have more work and am squeezing in more of the things that I enjoy doing. It's funny that once you stop the bullshit and try to experience your life from your heart.. doing only those things that feel right and good.. people are resistant. If they have to suffer than so should you!

It's amazing how ingrained we are in the concept of suffering. I was thinking of one of my dad's favorite sayings today: "When I have money, they'll listen." He said a variation of that phrase very frequently. Do I really believe that? Does a person need to have money to have a valid point?

By looking at these things.. these beliefs that I have from my childhood.. and asking myself if they are true for me, I have been liberated in ways that I have a hard time expressing.

Try it.. you'll see.

Born into greatness

I was just watching James Ray's movie... Parallel Universes.
Boy was it good... I've placed a link to the right, but be forewarned.. it's a commercial for the seminars at the end. I'd like to go but I haven't been yet so I can't give an opinion. Still a lot of good info in the movie and well worth the $9.97.

My favorite quote from the movie is: We are born into greatness, and are conditioned into mediocrity.

Everything in our lives is a reflection of how we feel bout ourselves. Ouch.. that's harsh.. but true. The things that drive you the most crazy, are the things that you have not come to terms with within yourself. Your relationship to yourself is truly the only relationship that matters.

Once we begin to express our true selves, the universe conspires on our behalf.

This is in short, my grand experiment. Even before watching the movie.. it was what I am doing.
It's exciting to watch things unfold. I'm trying to look at things kind of detached so that I can see them objectively. You know, the little things that happen in our lives that cause emotional reactions.

But what I have found out so far is this. Each day, I make time for myself. The rest gets fit in between. (The rest being all of the "have to's".)

I wake up, and spend an hour meditating.
I have my coffee and a piece of fruit while checking my e-mail and posting to my blogs or doing other computer work.
I exercise.
I have lunch.
More "have to's".
Sometimes a walk.
I'm usually in bed by 11pm.
Things I'm trying to squeeze in: learning an instrument (guitar/piano), spending time with family, getting out of the house, writing, less TV.

So far as I can tell.. I've lost about 20 pounds in the last three weeks.
Consistency is the key. Keep working out. Keep eating fruits and veggies.

And don't beat yourself up if you slip.. just get right back into the groove.
The universe is conspiring on your behalf remember... Woo Hoo!

They'd shove me away but I'd be alright.

Uptight.. Uptight...

Uptight.. Up -- tight...

Up -- tight..

There are a few times in your life.. when people say things to you.. you know you'll remember them forever.

I had one of those tonight. I feel I've been shoved away.. But I'll be alright. mom I'm alright.

So I'm a bit uptight. You don't get over these things easily. (Be a duck!)
Funny that I've just been digging deep into my childhood to find those things that cause me shame and feelings of unworthiness.. when one shows up in my every day life.

I don't feel shame. I know better. Still I don't know where it's left me.
What's too much?
When do you give up?
When people who supposedly love you hurt you on purpose and think you should be ashamed.. what do you do?
I can't do the same thing. I can't not forgive. I can't be ashamed. I can't take responsibility for the actions (or inactions) of others.
I'll just be happy. It's all I can do.
Why so green and lonely? and lonely? and lonely?
Heaven sent you to me. to me. to me.
but who?

I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time.

Wow, it's been an enlightening two weeks. Even though I can't weigh myself yet due to the bathroom remodeling project, I can tell I'm still the incredible shrinking woman. I don't think I lost anywhere near what I did the first week. But then again, I've developed a few bad eating habits.

Still, I'm about 95% vegan/raw. Mostly fruits. I do have about a 1-2 tsp of olive oil a day. I allow myself to have olives, artichoke hearts, eggs, chick peas, and an occasional stuffed grape leave. Just to mix it up a bit.

I also had sushi yesterday.. so some rice and fish.

But.. I've started exercising again and have figured out a plan for that.

I'm still losing weight and I look and feel way better than I have in about a year. I'd love to lose another 10 this month, but we shall see. Consistency is the most important thing.

I'm very excited about it. I feel like I've turned some kind of corner, which is nice. It helps that it's spring and we are getting outside. The sun is shining and the snow is melting (finally).

PLUS I got my Radiohead seat assignments for the concert in May. I'm <> this close to booking the airline tickets.. so I'm PUMPED about that too.

I was thinking today about how our culture places a high value on people with special talents, artistic, athletic, people who stand out because they shine at what they do. And I realized that the funny thing is.. we all have special talents for which we will be revered.

What is it? What do you love to do? That's what it is. Begin peeling away the layers of what you have been told all of your life that you "have" to do or what you "should" do and discover what it is you most WANT to do.

It's there that we all find our true joy and fullfillment.
We see it so readily in others. Why is it so difficult to see in ourselves?

Creative Exploration

Meditating every morning has really been helping me focus on the root causes of things that have manifested in my life. I've discovered some genuinely interesting stuff.

I was talking the other day about looking back into childhood memories and that continues. Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my mother's death. Boy time flies. It doesn't seem possible that it could have been that long.

It was different this year though. It seemed to me that many, many amazing things happened yesterday. Almost like she was closer on that day. It's almost ridiculous that thought, because that's impossible. She's as close to me each day as I allow, so maybe it's because I'm more open to her on that day, remembering. I'm going to remember more often.

One of the thousands of things my mother did for me was introduce me to the writing of Richard Bach. I was a "tween" I think when I first read Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Then maybe 13 when she gave me the book, Illusions. It was a time in my life when I was heavily into creative exploration. Art was my thing. I was painting and drawing all the time. I was also listening to music and being pretty reclusive. (ahem.. kind of what I'm doing now.. lol)

Then once I got into High School and became involved in activities and friends, cars and jobs, I let all of those creative things fall by the wayside. Partly because I didn't like the art teacher at the high school. I did begin to write then, short stories for classes I was taking and some poems and lyrics.

So when did it stop? I've always appreciated music and art, but that's not really being creative.. that's admiring creativity in others.

At this point, getting back into it is a little challenging. A doodle here.. a couple a notes on the piano there.. It's almost like I'm holding back for some reason. I'm going to try really hard not to do that.

I think that my new diet has giving me some clarity that has been missing for a long, long time. Without a form of expression, a human is missing something. Unfortunately for me, I've let fear keep me from expressing myself up until now.

It's liberating to realize that shame and humility are useless. When you allow yourself to express these things in your life, you are trying to limit the limitless.

It comes mostly from what we've learned in our lives. Times when we weren't accepted, or even admonished by our parents for some "wrong" that we did. The things they taught us were what they were taught was "right". When you shed light on these things, these teachings, you will find the limitations of your beliefs.

I know this post is all over the place. But I'll end with this quote from Illusions by Richard Bach.

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours."

Change is good!

Everyone in my house is enjoying the change in our eating habits. I've been doing really well sticking to the "raw food" diet. It seems as long as I eat something with natural fat in it during the day, it's easy to stick with the plan. You know.. olives, avocado, nuts, seeds.

We're remodeling the bathroom so I haven't weighed since Sunday -- I've vowed not to weigh again until it's done.. probably a couple of days.. so we shall see.

Meanwhile, I've started making my bed. Now for most people, this wouldn't seem like something out of the norm. For me, it is. I've never made my bed in my life. I don't know why not. Just never have. Curious.

I've been thinking a lot about my inner child. Today's post on my liftyourlife.blogspot.com (my Radiohead blog) is about that. There is a lyric in the song, Fog, that goes, "there's a little child running round this house, and he never leaves, he will never leave". That's very true of all of us.

For most of my adult life I have not been able to recall my childhood. I don't know if maybe I just haven't tried, or what. Sure, I remember that time when.. you know.. the stories everyone tells, the major stuff like breaking bones, which I did a lot.... But the in-between stuff. How I felt about things as a kid, well, I really don't remember them.

So, I've been trying to spend time during my meditations remembering the child that I once was and what she was like inside. What toys were her favorites? What was her favorite thing to do? What brought her comfort and joy?

I'm finding it a bit difficult to distinguish, looking back as an adult, what I actually enjoyed, and what I enjoyed because it brought approval from my parents. For example, I always loved fishing with my dad. Was it because I actually liked fishing or just wanted to be with my dad?

As I move forward in my life I want to do those things that bring me joy. Investigate those things that I love to do and actually do them. What haven't I tried that I may absolutely love?

What have I been waiting for? Time to find out what brings me joy and do it. Seems silly to do anything else, doesn't it?
So here's a challenge.. if anyone is out there...
Spend today noticing. Look for "signs". Let go and be guided today. Assume that song on the radio is playing to tell you something. Put the ipod on shuffle and pay attention to the messages and signals you get.

Or.. grab a book, any book, think of a question.. ask it in your mind. Open the book (anywhere) and read. Amazing.

Re-awakening

So I've been doing a lot of reminding. Re-Reading books that have sat on the shelf for a while. Going through old journals. Reconnecting.

I found the Holosync meditation system and have been using that for a little over a year. Simply put, they use sound waves to produce deep states of meditation. It's very simple, it takes an hour a day, and it takes the stress away from meditating. There is a link to the right if you want more information.

I've become a totally different person in the last month. All of this reading and learning and meditating led me to the point exactly a week ago, that I knew I needed a drastic change.. a jolt of sorts. I saw a special on the "evolution diet" where people (in the UK I think) ate nothing but raw fruits and veggies for 10 days. The very next morning I announced to my husband and daughter that I'd be doing that very thing. Plan on cooking their own meals.

I didn't know if I could make it ten days.. but I knew I was going to try. Day by day I'd see how far I could get.

The first day was the hardest. But I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted as long as it was a raw food. The first day I didn't eat nuts either, just raw fruits and veggies, water and coffee. On the second day I added some nuts.

Much to my surprise, today is day 8. The only cooked food I've had in the past week are about 6 stuffed grape leaves and about 6 oz of fish. Both of those things I had this weekend.

My net result is a loss of 13 pounds this week. All of my clothes are loose. I'm not hungry. I'm more energized than I have been in years, and I can finally see it. I can see myself living like this and eating like this. It's not an extremest view. I don't see myself never eating meat again (cuz I really like it) or only eating raw all the time. But I do see myself eating like this until my body decides what it's healthy weight is.

My whole family is eating more raw fruits and veggies -- which is an amazing thing. I don't have any cravings. My food needs are system based. If I do strenuous exercise, I need more food. (that's when I ate the grape leaves).

But the most striking realization so far is an odd one. In order to eat this way, you must not adhere to a 3 meal system. This way of eating is a nibbler's paradise. Just about every hour I eat something. An apple, a carrot, lettuce roll-ups.. resulting in way smaller meals. Sunday we had a "dinner": fish (baked in teriyaki sauce), big raw veggie plate and pasta for the family. I didn't even desire any pasta. I ate the fish and some raw veggies, fruit for dessert.

About a month ago I went through all of my clothes and got rid of anything and everything that didn't fit. Things too small, too big.. just a huge clean out. I kept 3 items that were "kinda tight", but I felt I could wear this summer... everything else went. Those three things now fit me perfectly and I have at least one pair of pants I can no longer wear.

I'm now thinking about transition clothing. What am I going to wear after I can't wear what I have any longer? I don't want to have to buy more than one new wardrobe. It's amazing to wake up with the feeling that it's over. I'm officially not fat anymore.

My daughter got up after a nap yesterday and told me she had a dream that I was just a little bit bigger than her. Well, I'm currently 222 pounds -- I guess I'm not the only one that feels the change is already here.

In my head, I'm already there. This is going to be fun!

How it all began.

It didn't happen overnight. I didn't just wake up one day and say, "Hey, I'm going to change everything." Oh I'd tried time and time again to do that. But this change has been gradual.

If I can even mark it's beginning. It was November 2006 when my sister visited and talked to me about building a business with Melaleuca. It was also right after I got my ipod and started listening to The Bends and Radiohead.

Starting to build a Melaleuca business gave me some hope to change our financial situation and by doing so somehow help my personal situation as well. I've always equated money with happiness. (If I were only rich, I could be thin you know!) Suffice to say that I was hitting bottom in most areas of my life.

I was seriously overweight, drinking daily, and leading a primarily sedentary lifestyle. Because of money issues, we didn't really do anything. Just stayed at home and watched TV and drank.

So those two things.. the prospect for change and earning an income outside of our current business and the connection I got from listening to Radiohead started it all.

Over the last year and a half, I've worked and stopped working my Melaleuca business of my own free will. I was doing pretty well when I stopped, but I was miserable. I hated doing what I was doing. The idea of having to convince people to do something that was good for them, well, that just didn't appeal to me.

Working in the network marketing field for that year and a half really brought me to some information that I'd been ignoring for a while. Like the reality of my true self, and true nature of the universe. Through our team and training I found many teachers to remind me what I had chosen to forget since we came to New York. Was I happier for the forgetting? No way!

See, I've been here before, the cusp of change and truth.
Sometimes you sulk, sometimes you burn, right?

Gosh, without getting too wordy, you'll need some background. Well, October 4, 1990, my beautiful daughter was born. October 17, 1991, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They gave me a 40% chance of surviving 5 years. Suffice to say they were wrong.

My cancer diagnosis, treatment and survival was a jolt to all of us to say the least. It caused me to ask why, as it does most cancer patients. I spent the years while I was going through treatment investigating many things including spirituality, nutrition, meditation, etc. I've always been drawn to the esoteric and shunned organized religion. So naturally I gravitated to alternative therapies and thinking. Not that I wasn't traditionally treated for my cancer, I was. I did everything they told me to do.

I thought hard and long on what I should be doing for my career. I felt strongly that my job and being away from our daughter was one of the stresses that may have activated my disease. So I got my real estate license.. because I thought I always wanted to do that. Turns out selling just isn't my thing. Oh, I was moderately successful, but it wasn't enough money for the time invested.

When our daughter was 3 years old, we went camping (something we often did) at Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. We stayed at a themed campground and watched our daughter have tremendous fun with all the activities and interaction with the campground staff. We had long ago seen ourselves living an outdoor life, perhaps owning a campground would be the perfect business for us.

So save we did and with some miraculous help from the stock market, we were able to fulfill our dream and purchase a campground in the spring of 2000. Although we enjoy our work, we have struggled financially since getting here, and it is all that we do.

To make matters worse, the minute we walked in the door, I unwittingly decided that the business and it's survival were of primary importance and let all of my spiritual work fall by the wayside. The property we bought was akin to a large resort vs. a small family facility. We've been running since we walked through the door.

Fast forward to today, on the cusp of change. The past year and a half have been an exciting journey, though I didn't realize it during most of that time. Only now can I look back at the wonderful things that happened that brought me to where I am today.. one of the joyous places I've ever been.

This blog is going to be my diary. Hopefully it will help others make monumental changes in their lives as I have in mine.

Check out the links to some of the things that have helped me get to where I am now. A year and a half is a lot to catch up on in one day.

Decide in your mind that it has already changed.
And don't let appearances convince you otherwise.