Immerse Your Soul in Love

The mind is an amazing thing. You can think, feel and taste things, but you can also think, feel and taste things you've already experienced just by remembering.

I had an experience during my meditation today that was quite unsettling. As a child, I had a recurring nightmare that was indescribable. No matter how I tried to explain it, the dream was about feelings and textures.. not about things you could easily relate to another person.

During my meditation today, I re-experienced a portion of this dream. It was unsettling on several levels.

I was shocked at the sharpness of the memory I hold of that feeling. If I tried to describe it, it would be oral in nature. It is a feeling on my tongue, and a metallic taste, and a sensation of growing, or expanding. Today in meditation, I allowed it to go. I've always fought it in the past. Instead of feeling fear at the sensation, I let myself feel it totally, curiously, somewhat with detachment. I feel it now as I write. Quite curious.

The second thing I found unsettling, was the way it reminded me of something I'd seen in the past, but that I can't pinpoint. It was definitely an oral "blowing up" of the physical body. Getting fatter and fatter, until I was just a large balloon-caricature of a person, and yet still holding on to that sensation in my mouth and lips that kept the process going. It's not a violent sensation, actually, it's more of a calm acceptance kind of sensation.

I'm not quite sure what to make of it all.
I've been on a "plateau" for a while with my weight loss. Stuck at a 35 pound loss with at least 50 more to go. People keep telling me I look great.. and that I look thinner.. but I've been controlling the stress in my life with food and drink.

Perhaps this dream is an attempt of my inner wisdom to break free of this cycle of filling up when I am afraid or fearful, when letting go is the proper course of action.

The second part of the childhood dream that I didn't experience today.. was a bird on a wire. The bird represented the feelings of chaos -- loud, unorganized noises accompanied the bird. And in the childhood dream, it would focus on one, then on the other.. the chaos, and then the calmness.

I would always awake in tears as the two extremes would battle in my subconscious.
Hmm.. I think I've just learned that the way I calm the chaos in my life is through oral satisfaction and fulfillment. Maybe the tastes and sensations are those I felt early in life, as I nursed on a bottle.. sometimes for comfort.

My family was a loving family, so I was certainly not neglected.. in fact I was a thin, sickly child. And I would pass out at the slightest emotional or physical trauma. My mother used to refer to me as "the poster child for send-this-kid-to-camp". I had allergies and was always sick (who knew it was the dogs and cats!?)

Funny how things.. little tiny decisions we make as children can stay with you quite a long time. It's good that as adults, we can see those decisions as what they are, and change longstanding patterns of belief.