Born into greatness

I was just watching James Ray's movie... Parallel Universes.
Boy was it good... I've placed a link to the right, but be forewarned.. it's a commercial for the seminars at the end. I'd like to go but I haven't been yet so I can't give an opinion. Still a lot of good info in the movie and well worth the $9.97.

My favorite quote from the movie is: We are born into greatness, and are conditioned into mediocrity.

Everything in our lives is a reflection of how we feel bout ourselves. Ouch.. that's harsh.. but true. The things that drive you the most crazy, are the things that you have not come to terms with within yourself. Your relationship to yourself is truly the only relationship that matters.

Once we begin to express our true selves, the universe conspires on our behalf.

This is in short, my grand experiment. Even before watching the movie.. it was what I am doing.
It's exciting to watch things unfold. I'm trying to look at things kind of detached so that I can see them objectively. You know, the little things that happen in our lives that cause emotional reactions.

But what I have found out so far is this. Each day, I make time for myself. The rest gets fit in between. (The rest being all of the "have to's".)

I wake up, and spend an hour meditating.
I have my coffee and a piece of fruit while checking my e-mail and posting to my blogs or doing other computer work.
I exercise.
I have lunch.
More "have to's".
Sometimes a walk.
I'm usually in bed by 11pm.
Things I'm trying to squeeze in: learning an instrument (guitar/piano), spending time with family, getting out of the house, writing, less TV.

So far as I can tell.. I've lost about 20 pounds in the last three weeks.
Consistency is the key. Keep working out. Keep eating fruits and veggies.

And don't beat yourself up if you slip.. just get right back into the groove.
The universe is conspiring on your behalf remember... Woo Hoo!

They'd shove me away but I'd be alright.

Uptight.. Uptight...

Uptight.. Up -- tight...

Up -- tight..

There are a few times in your life.. when people say things to you.. you know you'll remember them forever.

I had one of those tonight. I feel I've been shoved away.. But I'll be alright. mom I'm alright.

So I'm a bit uptight. You don't get over these things easily. (Be a duck!)
Funny that I've just been digging deep into my childhood to find those things that cause me shame and feelings of unworthiness.. when one shows up in my every day life.

I don't feel shame. I know better. Still I don't know where it's left me.
What's too much?
When do you give up?
When people who supposedly love you hurt you on purpose and think you should be ashamed.. what do you do?
I can't do the same thing. I can't not forgive. I can't be ashamed. I can't take responsibility for the actions (or inactions) of others.
I'll just be happy. It's all I can do.
Why so green and lonely? and lonely? and lonely?
Heaven sent you to me. to me. to me.
but who?

I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time.

Wow, it's been an enlightening two weeks. Even though I can't weigh myself yet due to the bathroom remodeling project, I can tell I'm still the incredible shrinking woman. I don't think I lost anywhere near what I did the first week. But then again, I've developed a few bad eating habits.

Still, I'm about 95% vegan/raw. Mostly fruits. I do have about a 1-2 tsp of olive oil a day. I allow myself to have olives, artichoke hearts, eggs, chick peas, and an occasional stuffed grape leave. Just to mix it up a bit.

I also had sushi yesterday.. so some rice and fish.

But.. I've started exercising again and have figured out a plan for that.

I'm still losing weight and I look and feel way better than I have in about a year. I'd love to lose another 10 this month, but we shall see. Consistency is the most important thing.

I'm very excited about it. I feel like I've turned some kind of corner, which is nice. It helps that it's spring and we are getting outside. The sun is shining and the snow is melting (finally).

PLUS I got my Radiohead seat assignments for the concert in May. I'm <> this close to booking the airline tickets.. so I'm PUMPED about that too.

I was thinking today about how our culture places a high value on people with special talents, artistic, athletic, people who stand out because they shine at what they do. And I realized that the funny thing is.. we all have special talents for which we will be revered.

What is it? What do you love to do? That's what it is. Begin peeling away the layers of what you have been told all of your life that you "have" to do or what you "should" do and discover what it is you most WANT to do.

It's there that we all find our true joy and fullfillment.
We see it so readily in others. Why is it so difficult to see in ourselves?

Creative Exploration

Meditating every morning has really been helping me focus on the root causes of things that have manifested in my life. I've discovered some genuinely interesting stuff.

I was talking the other day about looking back into childhood memories and that continues. Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my mother's death. Boy time flies. It doesn't seem possible that it could have been that long.

It was different this year though. It seemed to me that many, many amazing things happened yesterday. Almost like she was closer on that day. It's almost ridiculous that thought, because that's impossible. She's as close to me each day as I allow, so maybe it's because I'm more open to her on that day, remembering. I'm going to remember more often.

One of the thousands of things my mother did for me was introduce me to the writing of Richard Bach. I was a "tween" I think when I first read Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Then maybe 13 when she gave me the book, Illusions. It was a time in my life when I was heavily into creative exploration. Art was my thing. I was painting and drawing all the time. I was also listening to music and being pretty reclusive. (ahem.. kind of what I'm doing now.. lol)

Then once I got into High School and became involved in activities and friends, cars and jobs, I let all of those creative things fall by the wayside. Partly because I didn't like the art teacher at the high school. I did begin to write then, short stories for classes I was taking and some poems and lyrics.

So when did it stop? I've always appreciated music and art, but that's not really being creative.. that's admiring creativity in others.

At this point, getting back into it is a little challenging. A doodle here.. a couple a notes on the piano there.. It's almost like I'm holding back for some reason. I'm going to try really hard not to do that.

I think that my new diet has giving me some clarity that has been missing for a long, long time. Without a form of expression, a human is missing something. Unfortunately for me, I've let fear keep me from expressing myself up until now.

It's liberating to realize that shame and humility are useless. When you allow yourself to express these things in your life, you are trying to limit the limitless.

It comes mostly from what we've learned in our lives. Times when we weren't accepted, or even admonished by our parents for some "wrong" that we did. The things they taught us were what they were taught was "right". When you shed light on these things, these teachings, you will find the limitations of your beliefs.

I know this post is all over the place. But I'll end with this quote from Illusions by Richard Bach.

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours."

Change is good!

Everyone in my house is enjoying the change in our eating habits. I've been doing really well sticking to the "raw food" diet. It seems as long as I eat something with natural fat in it during the day, it's easy to stick with the plan. You know.. olives, avocado, nuts, seeds.

We're remodeling the bathroom so I haven't weighed since Sunday -- I've vowed not to weigh again until it's done.. probably a couple of days.. so we shall see.

Meanwhile, I've started making my bed. Now for most people, this wouldn't seem like something out of the norm. For me, it is. I've never made my bed in my life. I don't know why not. Just never have. Curious.

I've been thinking a lot about my inner child. Today's post on my liftyourlife.blogspot.com (my Radiohead blog) is about that. There is a lyric in the song, Fog, that goes, "there's a little child running round this house, and he never leaves, he will never leave". That's very true of all of us.

For most of my adult life I have not been able to recall my childhood. I don't know if maybe I just haven't tried, or what. Sure, I remember that time when.. you know.. the stories everyone tells, the major stuff like breaking bones, which I did a lot.... But the in-between stuff. How I felt about things as a kid, well, I really don't remember them.

So, I've been trying to spend time during my meditations remembering the child that I once was and what she was like inside. What toys were her favorites? What was her favorite thing to do? What brought her comfort and joy?

I'm finding it a bit difficult to distinguish, looking back as an adult, what I actually enjoyed, and what I enjoyed because it brought approval from my parents. For example, I always loved fishing with my dad. Was it because I actually liked fishing or just wanted to be with my dad?

As I move forward in my life I want to do those things that bring me joy. Investigate those things that I love to do and actually do them. What haven't I tried that I may absolutely love?

What have I been waiting for? Time to find out what brings me joy and do it. Seems silly to do anything else, doesn't it?
So here's a challenge.. if anyone is out there...
Spend today noticing. Look for "signs". Let go and be guided today. Assume that song on the radio is playing to tell you something. Put the ipod on shuffle and pay attention to the messages and signals you get.

Or.. grab a book, any book, think of a question.. ask it in your mind. Open the book (anywhere) and read. Amazing.

Re-awakening

So I've been doing a lot of reminding. Re-Reading books that have sat on the shelf for a while. Going through old journals. Reconnecting.

I found the Holosync meditation system and have been using that for a little over a year. Simply put, they use sound waves to produce deep states of meditation. It's very simple, it takes an hour a day, and it takes the stress away from meditating. There is a link to the right if you want more information.

I've become a totally different person in the last month. All of this reading and learning and meditating led me to the point exactly a week ago, that I knew I needed a drastic change.. a jolt of sorts. I saw a special on the "evolution diet" where people (in the UK I think) ate nothing but raw fruits and veggies for 10 days. The very next morning I announced to my husband and daughter that I'd be doing that very thing. Plan on cooking their own meals.

I didn't know if I could make it ten days.. but I knew I was going to try. Day by day I'd see how far I could get.

The first day was the hardest. But I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted as long as it was a raw food. The first day I didn't eat nuts either, just raw fruits and veggies, water and coffee. On the second day I added some nuts.

Much to my surprise, today is day 8. The only cooked food I've had in the past week are about 6 stuffed grape leaves and about 6 oz of fish. Both of those things I had this weekend.

My net result is a loss of 13 pounds this week. All of my clothes are loose. I'm not hungry. I'm more energized than I have been in years, and I can finally see it. I can see myself living like this and eating like this. It's not an extremest view. I don't see myself never eating meat again (cuz I really like it) or only eating raw all the time. But I do see myself eating like this until my body decides what it's healthy weight is.

My whole family is eating more raw fruits and veggies -- which is an amazing thing. I don't have any cravings. My food needs are system based. If I do strenuous exercise, I need more food. (that's when I ate the grape leaves).

But the most striking realization so far is an odd one. In order to eat this way, you must not adhere to a 3 meal system. This way of eating is a nibbler's paradise. Just about every hour I eat something. An apple, a carrot, lettuce roll-ups.. resulting in way smaller meals. Sunday we had a "dinner": fish (baked in teriyaki sauce), big raw veggie plate and pasta for the family. I didn't even desire any pasta. I ate the fish and some raw veggies, fruit for dessert.

About a month ago I went through all of my clothes and got rid of anything and everything that didn't fit. Things too small, too big.. just a huge clean out. I kept 3 items that were "kinda tight", but I felt I could wear this summer... everything else went. Those three things now fit me perfectly and I have at least one pair of pants I can no longer wear.

I'm now thinking about transition clothing. What am I going to wear after I can't wear what I have any longer? I don't want to have to buy more than one new wardrobe. It's amazing to wake up with the feeling that it's over. I'm officially not fat anymore.

My daughter got up after a nap yesterday and told me she had a dream that I was just a little bit bigger than her. Well, I'm currently 222 pounds -- I guess I'm not the only one that feels the change is already here.

In my head, I'm already there. This is going to be fun!

How it all began.

It didn't happen overnight. I didn't just wake up one day and say, "Hey, I'm going to change everything." Oh I'd tried time and time again to do that. But this change has been gradual.

If I can even mark it's beginning. It was November 2006 when my sister visited and talked to me about building a business with Melaleuca. It was also right after I got my ipod and started listening to The Bends and Radiohead.

Starting to build a Melaleuca business gave me some hope to change our financial situation and by doing so somehow help my personal situation as well. I've always equated money with happiness. (If I were only rich, I could be thin you know!) Suffice to say that I was hitting bottom in most areas of my life.

I was seriously overweight, drinking daily, and leading a primarily sedentary lifestyle. Because of money issues, we didn't really do anything. Just stayed at home and watched TV and drank.

So those two things.. the prospect for change and earning an income outside of our current business and the connection I got from listening to Radiohead started it all.

Over the last year and a half, I've worked and stopped working my Melaleuca business of my own free will. I was doing pretty well when I stopped, but I was miserable. I hated doing what I was doing. The idea of having to convince people to do something that was good for them, well, that just didn't appeal to me.

Working in the network marketing field for that year and a half really brought me to some information that I'd been ignoring for a while. Like the reality of my true self, and true nature of the universe. Through our team and training I found many teachers to remind me what I had chosen to forget since we came to New York. Was I happier for the forgetting? No way!

See, I've been here before, the cusp of change and truth.
Sometimes you sulk, sometimes you burn, right?

Gosh, without getting too wordy, you'll need some background. Well, October 4, 1990, my beautiful daughter was born. October 17, 1991, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They gave me a 40% chance of surviving 5 years. Suffice to say they were wrong.

My cancer diagnosis, treatment and survival was a jolt to all of us to say the least. It caused me to ask why, as it does most cancer patients. I spent the years while I was going through treatment investigating many things including spirituality, nutrition, meditation, etc. I've always been drawn to the esoteric and shunned organized religion. So naturally I gravitated to alternative therapies and thinking. Not that I wasn't traditionally treated for my cancer, I was. I did everything they told me to do.

I thought hard and long on what I should be doing for my career. I felt strongly that my job and being away from our daughter was one of the stresses that may have activated my disease. So I got my real estate license.. because I thought I always wanted to do that. Turns out selling just isn't my thing. Oh, I was moderately successful, but it wasn't enough money for the time invested.

When our daughter was 3 years old, we went camping (something we often did) at Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. We stayed at a themed campground and watched our daughter have tremendous fun with all the activities and interaction with the campground staff. We had long ago seen ourselves living an outdoor life, perhaps owning a campground would be the perfect business for us.

So save we did and with some miraculous help from the stock market, we were able to fulfill our dream and purchase a campground in the spring of 2000. Although we enjoy our work, we have struggled financially since getting here, and it is all that we do.

To make matters worse, the minute we walked in the door, I unwittingly decided that the business and it's survival were of primary importance and let all of my spiritual work fall by the wayside. The property we bought was akin to a large resort vs. a small family facility. We've been running since we walked through the door.

Fast forward to today, on the cusp of change. The past year and a half have been an exciting journey, though I didn't realize it during most of that time. Only now can I look back at the wonderful things that happened that brought me to where I am today.. one of the joyous places I've ever been.

This blog is going to be my diary. Hopefully it will help others make monumental changes in their lives as I have in mine.

Check out the links to some of the things that have helped me get to where I am now. A year and a half is a lot to catch up on in one day.

Decide in your mind that it has already changed.
And don't let appearances convince you otherwise.