Immerse Your Soul in Love

The mind is an amazing thing. You can think, feel and taste things, but you can also think, feel and taste things you've already experienced just by remembering.

I had an experience during my meditation today that was quite unsettling. As a child, I had a recurring nightmare that was indescribable. No matter how I tried to explain it, the dream was about feelings and textures.. not about things you could easily relate to another person.

During my meditation today, I re-experienced a portion of this dream. It was unsettling on several levels.

I was shocked at the sharpness of the memory I hold of that feeling. If I tried to describe it, it would be oral in nature. It is a feeling on my tongue, and a metallic taste, and a sensation of growing, or expanding. Today in meditation, I allowed it to go. I've always fought it in the past. Instead of feeling fear at the sensation, I let myself feel it totally, curiously, somewhat with detachment. I feel it now as I write. Quite curious.

The second thing I found unsettling, was the way it reminded me of something I'd seen in the past, but that I can't pinpoint. It was definitely an oral "blowing up" of the physical body. Getting fatter and fatter, until I was just a large balloon-caricature of a person, and yet still holding on to that sensation in my mouth and lips that kept the process going. It's not a violent sensation, actually, it's more of a calm acceptance kind of sensation.

I'm not quite sure what to make of it all.
I've been on a "plateau" for a while with my weight loss. Stuck at a 35 pound loss with at least 50 more to go. People keep telling me I look great.. and that I look thinner.. but I've been controlling the stress in my life with food and drink.

Perhaps this dream is an attempt of my inner wisdom to break free of this cycle of filling up when I am afraid or fearful, when letting go is the proper course of action.

The second part of the childhood dream that I didn't experience today.. was a bird on a wire. The bird represented the feelings of chaos -- loud, unorganized noises accompanied the bird. And in the childhood dream, it would focus on one, then on the other.. the chaos, and then the calmness.

I would always awake in tears as the two extremes would battle in my subconscious.
Hmm.. I think I've just learned that the way I calm the chaos in my life is through oral satisfaction and fulfillment. Maybe the tastes and sensations are those I felt early in life, as I nursed on a bottle.. sometimes for comfort.

My family was a loving family, so I was certainly not neglected.. in fact I was a thin, sickly child. And I would pass out at the slightest emotional or physical trauma. My mother used to refer to me as "the poster child for send-this-kid-to-camp". I had allergies and was always sick (who knew it was the dogs and cats!?)

Funny how things.. little tiny decisions we make as children can stay with you quite a long time. It's good that as adults, we can see those decisions as what they are, and change longstanding patterns of belief.

Don't look in the mirror at the face you don't recognize

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I felt my way through it.
I look in the mirror and even though I'm changing and losing weight. Sometimes I don't recognize the person that I see. The outward reflection I see is not what I feel on the inside.

If I have to pick a point of "enlightenment" I'd choose that point at which what you feel on the inside, and what you see in the mirror are accurate reflections of each other. I remember reading a book as a teen called Swan Song. It was about the after effects of nuclear war. One of the main characters, a girl.. I can't remember her name.. She was the most pure of heart in the story.. one with the gift of the renewal of life. She made the crops grow when there was no hope of them ever growing again. And throughout the story of her wonderful works, a keloid/growth overtakes her face and continues to grow until it encompasses her entire head. I guess I'm spoiling this one for you aren't I..

Anyway.. without giving too much away. What if our faces reflect what lies in our hearts.. or do they already? What if our bodies are outward reflections of our souls? Go look in the mirror at the face you don't recognize. And look hard at what you see.

I recommend Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life to just about everyone who will listen.

Things change in your life when you look to the results you are getting and make the decision to take action doing those things that will bring you what you truly want.
Don't waste time deciding what you truly want. What do you want today? To feel better? To be happier? To spend more time with your children/husband/parents/friends? To take the time to do something you love.. like reading or going for a walk.

Stop. What are you doing? And why are you doing it?

heaven or hell.. whatever they call it..

the place of oblivion
after the fall.



Look into your heart.
Is there guilt?
Shame?
Why?
Nothing you can think, wish or dream is bad.
Money is not the root of all evil.
Money is just another exchange of energy.

Remove yourself from the judgment of others
Nothing touches me, man.

Be yourself.
The truly courageous have mastered the art of expression.

Express yourself.
Fill the void.
Contribute.
It feels good.
someone will get it.
Really.. they really will.. just try.
Go on.

Please?

I gotta remember..

Don't fight it
Not matter how much
I don't like it..

Moving to another artist (gasp!) this is from Portishead.

Lovin' them.
Of course I'm lovin them because of Radiohead.

Anyway.. No matter how much I don't like it. I can't fight it.
Winds of change.
Are adrift
hard to stay objective..
but that's my job.
I hope to be the witness.
detached
no longer clinging on to bottles
you roll me out and then you cut the string.

Can a band save your life?

I think so.

Anything can change your life.
A kind word, a quote that inspires, a book, a television commercial jingle.

You hear people say, "One day I just woke up."

But something provoked them, for certain. It may have been a dream.. a sleeping, cognitive decision.. but more likely it was a trigger. Something happened.. they heard or saw something that they connected with.

That connection caused the change.

That's what Radiohead did to me.
I don't know why it was Radiohead. I mean, before my current obsession, I was listening to Eddie Vedder's soundtrack to "Into the Wild".. Quite powerful stuff..
Maybe that was the trigger.

And yet.. 8-9 months later, I'm still listening to Radiohead. Every day.
It's not getting old. Sure, they have quite a catalog.. I have almost 700 Radiohead songs on my ipod.

The connection is it. I connect with the lyrics, the rhythm, the flow of the songs.

To what extent?
Well, I feel I've changed everything in my life.
I've learned to live the life I want.
To become the person I've always wanted to be.. but have always been.
I've lost weight.
I'm happy.
Happy.
So very happy.
Thank you radiohead!